On the lookout for disgruntled veterans

I go to sleep a veteran, and wake up to find myself a potential terrorist.

You have probably heard about the Department of Homeland Security study by now – the one that identifies disgruntled veterans as potential domestic terrorists. When I first learned of the report, I was offended. I’m a patriot. I love my country. And what about the millions of veterans whose dedication and selflessness are the stuff of legend? To dishonor their service by considering them to be potential terrorists would be a travesty. It couldn’t be true.

So I found the report and read it.

And right there, in black and white, was a category entitled, “Disgruntled Military Veterans.”

As much as I would like to deny it, the report got me to second-guessing my own behavior. Because, quite frankly, there are times when I am, in fact, disgruntled.

Like mowing the lawn, for example. You water, you fertilize, you cut, you weed whack. For awhile it looks great. Then before you know it the grass starts to look shaggy, and after a few more days you have to start all over again. All summer long. That really gets me disgruntled.

And that’s not all.

I was in Walmart the other day, in the “20 items or less” register, and a lady right behind me had to have had at least 25 or 26 items in her cart. I gave her “the look” and you know what she did? She ignored me. If I didn’t have my hands full with 30 items of my own I would have stuck around and given her a piece of my mind. Boy, did that ever disgruntle me.

You have heard me talk about golf. “Golf” is Scottish for “disgruntlement.” If you want to see the manifestation of the word, try hitting out of a sand trap only to see the ball sail over the green into the water hazard on the other side.

And what’s with those hairs that grow on the outside of your ears? Trimmers are designed for the hair inside the ears. There is no tool for the outside.

Disgruntled.

I could go on, but you get the point. And although the report really… well, disgruntles me, I have to admit a little sympathy for the poor DHS agent who will have to monitor me.

“Middle aged man. Watches TV – mostly re-runs – often in his underwear. Subsists on coffee and any food containing fat. Dresses in clothes that went out of style last century. Computer expertise consists of Spider Solitaire and YouTube. No apparent hobbies or skills.”

That would be one boring stake out. While all the other agents are out looking for international spies and breaking up cabals, my poor agent will be stuck watching me.

Boy, is he ever going to be disgruntled.