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  1. “As chief medical officer, I will now call out the names of everyone who had a positive result on the fleet’s annual STD screening test. When your name is called, please come up on stage to be recognized.”

  2. Sent via email Oct 17th at 2:35 pm by John Meacher:

    “…and budget cutbacks have forced us to introduce a new junior
    officer watchbill for crossing guards at all base BOQ and O-Club

  3. You are now the Air Force Tanker Acquisition Team. Please remember to make the tanker a fully joint vehicle able to land on Carriers.

  4. Ladies and Gentlemen,
    Let me start by saying this brief will be brief. This will be your post deployment safety brief and briefly let me state that there will be no alcohol incidents this weekend because there will be no alcohol being consumed by anyone in this room.
    Without further delay, let me introduce five of our honored guests who will speak briefly about their briefs.

  5. “As Chief of the Chaplain Corps, let me remind you to tell your Sailors of what is not allowed in Church…”

  6. BarefootSerpent on

    “Would all sailors and marines who may have recently had physical contact with a Hotlips Houlihan please report to the VD clinic at once?”

  7. Sent via email Oct 20 at 3:55 pm by Frederick Atienza:

    In an effort to boost public support…

    “I am not an admiral, but I play one on TV…”

  8. I’m here to thank you in advance for your service in dealing with the guaranteed international crisis in first six months once the new president takes office.

  9. “I know you all have just purchased and are wearing the new Tan uniform, but the top level brass and I have decided to go with a different color…..”

  10. In order to encourage maximum effort toward physical fitness, the next new PT uniform will incorporate Speedos and thongs.

  11. I acknowledge that what is asked of you on this mission is contrary to Official Policy: thus, be confident that it will be You that will be blamed if required, and I the accolades for success.

  12. “Ladies and Gentlemen of the 10th Mountain Division, 18th Airborne, I will no longer have the privilege of leading you, as my staff has informed me that I am a Rear Admiral in the United States Navy.”

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