The debate is over. The research is in and it is indisputable. Scientists have discovered that potato chips cause baldness. The theory was tested empirically at my house this weekend, and for purposes of peer review I will recount the entire study.
I was eating some potato chips and felt something rock-like in my mouth. Upon further inspection I discovered a piece of tooth. Somehow, eating chips had cracked one of my molars.
This means I will have to go to the dentist.
I was a weatherman in the Navy. It is the only job where you can be right half the time and still get promoted. Dentists cause you pain and suffering 100 percent of the time, and yet we keep them.
I know what is coming. A semi-complete stranger will thrust needles into the sensitive parts of my mouth and then conduct medieval torture to the part that isn’t numb.
So I am stressing out. When I stress out, I get edgy. I love my wife and daughter, so I leave them out of this. Luckily, the relationship between me and my dog Angel is not exactly at the “love” level, so she becomes the obvious target of my angst.
I look her way with an angry scowl as if to say, “Stand by, you sorry excuse for a canine, because here it comes.” But dogs have a sixth sense about these sorts of things. She recognizes the threat and answers with a low, guttural growl as if to say, “Take one step toward me, old man, and I’ll be using your arm as a chew toy.”
So with no outlet for the stress of an impending visit to the dentist, the few brave remaining strands of hair on top of my head begin to fall out.
Therefore, potato chips cause baldness.